alexandria, egypt: raya 2017

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I'm in Alexandria right now, spending two weeks of my free time before my graduation with my sister for Eid. It was quite booooring because I don't go out that much and I was even wondering what's the whole point of me coming here if I'm just going to be cooped up in the room all day long. I'd been here for almost a week and right now I'm feeling down to the bumps. My friends at York seems to have spend a much better time than I did that I might as well had just stayed in York.

Today is Raya day 1, and I went to the students annual raya gathering. A lot of the people there are friendly and nice, greeting me with smiles and such. And then we went home and that's it. I can't believe that I'm saying this but I even got tired of sleeping. I really hate sleeping right now gosh I feel mad just thinking about it. I hate the fact that I did not go back home for Raya too. I hate going back to my village but I guess that it's better that way compared to being cooped up in this house. 

I might be feeling a bit sensitive right now that I get mad for absolutely nothing. Ugh and I really hate this feeling because I don't want to ruin my holiday. But if I have to sleep again in the afternoon tomorrow I might will lose it and run away from this house or something. I'm even tired of watching dramas or any shows right now because I am just feeling restless. The result of my exam had came out and I just get this nervous breakdown every time I think about my possible future. I really do not want to say this because I might jinx myself, but I could see me being unemployed. Getting rejected because of my stupid grade. I have no energy left to think of doing anything else, I wish I can restart things. I wish I can time travel back five years before when I am still undecided on my course and take something that I actually have genuine interest in rather than Chemistry. It's not that I hate Chemistry, it is a pretty fun course but it's not something that I have a genuine and honest interest with. 

To all people out there, when deciding on your course, think loooong and hard. Don't pick on something based on someone else because in the end you are the one who is going to suffer emotionally at least because of it. 

I am scared of the future right now. I am scared if I can get any job with this stupid result of mine. I am scared of disappointing people around me. I am scared of disappointing myself.

I really need to get out of this house soon. And meditate next to the ocean. Yes that'll help me to think straight again. 

mother's day 2017

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Today's Mother's Day, and apparently I'm one of those people that was only alerted to these kind of days through social media. As I scrambled to find a picture of me with my mom, many thoughts ran through my head. There are happy moments, but there are unhappy moments too.

My mom is not perfect. She is far from it. She made many mistakes, forgetting to do certain things and ignored certain others. She could never remember how to print or scan things for her school works for example, and I would be taken away from my tv shows to repeat the things that I had taught her the day before. I grew up wishing that my mom would be better, criticising her on things that I thought she could improve on. I blamed her for a lot of things, thinking that she's an adult (more than me) so she should 'know'. I was still a child, so I thought that I can be excused for my mistakes because I am still learning. I was essentially, arrogant towards her.

But I was forgetting that as I am learning how to be a good daughter, my mom was also learning on how to be a mother. For heaven's sake, nobody was born to be a mother. As I kept remembering what I thought to be her weaknesses, I overlooked her strength. How she never fails to wake up the earliest every morning (except that one time, and everyone basically went to work and school late 😂). How she took everything that I wanted to eat seriously ("Didn't you say you want this soya bean yesterday?"). How she would embarrass me by flaunting my achievements to the people who would listen (I was ketua kelas in sekolah rendah. SEKOLAH RENDAH). And how she would fuss over me when I was sick, making sure that I took my medicine and telling me off when I tried to act as if I was sick much longer that I should. Little by little, I realised how much effort my mom made in order to be a mother to us, and it only took 20+ years though. 

I used to think that I prefer my dad more cause he's the cool and calm one in the family (basically he doesn't get angry at us). But now my mom's the one that I'm most comfortable with telling things and I usually have frustrating silent moments with my dad instead (I still love you dad please don't disown me).

I would never say that my mom's a perfect mother. But to me, she's already perfect herself, and that is more than enough to us.

Happy mother's day to all moms! <3 And to my mom, I love you!!

the end is near

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I can't believe that it had been more than a year since my last post. A lot had happened and I'm now in my third year of this undergrad journey. I'd submitted my fyp (final year project) report and am currently on Easter break. Alia and Namys are currently in London attending career fair and interviews whilst Raihan and I are stuck in York for now.

So yesterday we decided to take a walk around the Museum Garden while having some ice cream, and coincidentally we met three girls from Sheffield. We started talking to them and ended up taking them around York, showing them the cute Crumbs Cupcakery and the delicious milkshakes from Milkshack. The cool thing is they invited us to hang out with them in Sheffield and to show us the abundant foodddd that they have! Raihan and I might visit Sheffield next week insyaAllah!

My final exam is around next month and I can't believe that how fast time flies. It feels like yesterday I had just arrived in York and we were staying at that Kexby house. Now we are all third years worrying about our future, while living at Hull road next to our in-constant-drunkenness landlady Mrs. Kelly. I met a lot of amazing people in UK and gained a lot of beautiful experience here. The happiness, sadness, feeling of frustration, anger, joy; everything was mashed up into this whirlpool of adventure that I cherished and won't forget. I still have two months left to hold the title of a 'student', and I will most definitely miss it. But for now, I am excited to step into the next stage in life, the career life. 

York might not be the optimum city for a student to live in (bloody expensive, and halal food is a privilege), but I definitely love it. It is definitely beautiful and amazing, especially if the weather is sunny. The buildings are gorgeously vintage and the people are kind. I will definitely miss the bus system here, the grocery delivery and Poundland shop. My last winter here (for now) had been amazing, and I will miss the gorgeous winter attire. The coats, boots and scarves are sooo cute! 

It is not the end yet but I am already starting to say goodbye. I am still here but I am already missing this place. The next journey is exciting but terrifying, and I am ready to move on but the comfort of the current familiar routine beckons me to stay. All in all, life goes on and I guess there is no point in holding on to the shadow of memories when the adventure continues. 

first ramadhan in york

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I'm nervous. 

Tomorrow is our first day of Ramadhan, and I'm not going through it at the comfort of my home, but here in York. Raihan's flight back to Malaysia was yesterday and I envy her so much. It was unfortunate that Chemistry department still had lots going on till this week, and I'm going to have my end of the term supervisor meeting with Peter tomorrow. So Namys and I literally just can't go back yet. Poor Alia though. She's practically done, but her flight's on the same day as ours though hers is a bit earlier than our flights.

This will be the first time for me to fast for 17 hours. It was frightening to think about, but when isn't it something that the Muslims here in UK had been going through for their lifetime? They're admirable; those Muslims living in UK. Now I appreciate Malaysia even more gosh.

I haven't started packing yet although my flight is in five days time. Namys is practically done with hers, ages ago, and Alia had started to pack yesterday. And for some reason, going back home terrifies and excites me at the same. Will things still be the same? 

malaysian in york, uk

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

It's been about seven months now that I had made this York city as my second home. My experience may not value as much as the older students or even the postgraduates but I just would like to share my experience living here in York for now.

I remembered how I first set my eyes upon this small city. It really is beautiful compared to other cities in England as it had preserved its old buildings. The people are friendly and will always lend a helping hand when you asked them. 

I stayed in a four-bedroom house, shared with my three other housemates. Three of them are my classmates back in KMS and another one is from INTECH whom we met through mutual friend. Particularly for my house, the rent is different according to rooms. The two smallest bedrooms are the cheapest, with GBP 350 per month. My bedroom is the second biggest and I paid GBP 380 per month while the largest bedroom in our house is the most expensive with GBP 410 per month. These only include the water bill and not the internet or gas bill. Basically our house is pretty expensive for students as you can get around GBP 280 - GBP 300 per month in York. Relative to other cities, York's house rent is a bit more expensive. 

But although our house is expensive, it is pretty close to the university. Walking to my Chemistry department took about 15 - 20 minutes walk while my housemates who took Biotechnology only needs about 5 minutes walk. There are students that cycle to the uni and I had always wanted to but never got the opportunity to buy one. 

For Chemistry, we will have a full lab day every Monday from 9 am to 4 pm. They are really strict about lab safety so you are not allowed to be in the lab without lab coat, googles and rubber gloves which are provided for the students for free. We are also given our own workspace (which are shared with another student who has their lab on another day) so the students does not have to share the apparatus and materials, unlike my KMS days. 

Lectures vary from term to term. I usually will have a free day on Tuesday, lectures for Wednesday and Thursday are from 9 am to 12 pm while Friday is our full lecture day as our lectures last from 10 am to 4 pm. The schedule changes every now and then as sometimes lectures are cancelled and such. Apart from that, Chemistry students are divided into colleges for tutorials for specific subjects are conducted. Usually there are about 20 to 25 students for every college and the name of my college is Woodward College. In every college, the students are further divided into tutorial groups, composed of 4 - 5 peoples which will have tutorials with a lecturer for almost every week for different subjects.

My tutorial group is pretty diverse as we have a student from Lithuania, another from Pakistan, and two other students are English, apart from me, a Malaysian. 

Lunch break is usually from 1 pm to 2 pm. Namys (my housemate and coursemate) and I usually will head to the prayer room where we will have our Zohor prayer and lunch. There are several prayer rooms provided in the university which made life easier for us as the biggest prayer room is two blocks away from Chemistry department. 

There is Malaysian Society for Malaysian students in the uni which provides opportunity for us to mingle with other Malaysians. Since our number is pretty small, we are a bit tight-knit community and know each other pretty well. 

I might write more on another topic about living in York next time!

immature

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Today I had a supervisor meeting with Peter. As usual he asked me questions such as, 

"How are you coping with the lectures?" 

"How's living in York for you?" 

"Do you still like York?" 

"You do? Really?"

He then gave me back my NMR exam paper, and I scored 12/15 which is equivalent to 80%. Perhaps because I didn't squeal in joy or something that he asked me why I am not happy with my mark.

"Well, a full score will be nice." I joked. I mean, I half-joked.

"Well that's a bit greedy. Your marks seems fine," he grinned. 

For some reason I felt taken aback by his reply. I realised that I forgot to be thankful first for my marks before reflecting on how I should work harder next time.

"To get a better mark, you just have to work a bit harder. That's my advice."

For some reason, this sentence reminds me of my parents. I remembered how mom used to remind me to focus on my study every time I called her and the gentle way my dad usually gives me advices.

It felt stupid, because I suddenly started to tear up. Thankfully our meeting is over and I managed to control my feelings before I started to bawl all over in Peter's office. That would be absurd and embarrassing. 

On my way home, I saw a Muslim family taking a walk. The parents were walking side by side while talking and laughing while their three boys were chasing each other while shouting with joy. The mother smiled and gave me salam quietly while I walked past her.

And that made me tear up again. 

So I filled my head with sad songs en route home, missing my parents more and more. A boy walked past me and I scoffed at him while thinking how glad he must be to walk home where his parents will be there. Perhaps there will be his sisters and brothers. Maybe suddenly his grandparents are there too, visiting. 

"Hey kid. You must be so happy," I yelled at him in my head, feeling more immature than ever.

When I arrived back at our house, I snapped back to reality as I realised that I am still surrounded by good people here. Sure, my parents and siblings are not here but I have my friends and I am sure that they are feeling the same thing. Breaking down is not going to change anything and I better make the most of this journey while I am here.

Dear mom and dad, I missed both of you so much. Stay strong and please be healthy always. Please continue to pray for us because I believe that it was because of your love that I managed to be here.

I'll call both of you tomorrow, inshaAllah. 

the day we discussed darwin

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim. 

Without realising it, it had been four months since I first landed on this island of England. Within four months, a lot had happened and a lot of things had changed. But if there's one thing that I am absolutely sure about is how blessed I am day to day. 

Today while having a break outside of the lab I (accidentally) heard a group of students discussing about faith in God. Taking interest, I quietly eavesdroop while pretending to skim through the procedure of the experiment for that day. 

Basically, what one of them were saying was that how he believes that God did not care about him at all. "To care means to have feelings just like a human being and if God actually cares, then why there are suffering and all?" One of the girls (who is my lab partner) rebutted that "if God did not care then what is the point of Him to create beings?" 

He just shrugged and concluded that "we will never know". 

Obviously their debate lasts much longer than three sentences but listening in to them made me realise of how much a person needs God in his life as guidance. I remembered when my housemates and I with our kakak usrah discuss the theory of evolution by Darwin. What saddens us is everything is how they view religion and science as separate things when Islam shines during the Dark Ages for the West with all the discoveries in science and technology. It is a great example of how science and religion go hand in hand and how religion can answer the ethical issues faced by the current scientists nowadays. 

I'm a bit scared of discussing this issue as I realised that I lack so much in terms of knowledge about this. But this made me realise of how desperately we need a prominent figure to represent the Muslims in the science field to refute not just the Darwin theory, but also to show that we can contribute to the development of science of mankind while still believing in one true God.