changes

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Do you know that moment when you were talking to someone that you met again after years and realised that the person had changed? It felt like talking to a whole new other individual, someone that you barely knew. This made you proceed with caution for it felt truly unfamiliar.

I realised that today many things had changed, and it was not only the person I was talking with. I - with a certain degree - had changed as well. Which I hope is in a good way. Suddenly we ran out of topics to talk about because we haven't met in a while. We met completely different groups of people and experienced completely different things. And we couldn't explain that to each other. 

He told me that he planned to get engaged. 

"Kalau boleh nak cepat-cepat. Sebab aku takut dengan zina hati. Aku pun tak tau macam mana nak buat ni hmmm."

His words felt like a slap for I haven't heard that phrase in a while now. "Zina hati". The phrase that kept being reminded to us back in my KMS days. The sneakiest of all zina for we couldn't completely control it but it doesn't mean that there's nothing that we can do about it.

Today I prayed for my friend. I prayed that if that girl is the best for him, then may Allah ease everything for both of them and protect them from fitnah. 

People say that you should pray to be a better person in order to get a good spouse as early as possible. But then had we ever prayed that we will become a better child to our parents? For our current responsibility is towards them and not towards the currently non-existent spouse. 

May Allah guide our frail hearts in this temporary world. Amin.

stepping on

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Today, with the release of the IB result, marked the end of an important phase in my life. A phase I did not even want to be a part of initially, but of course Allah knows better. Alhamdulillah. 

Without my mum, I would not even be here today. She's the one who encouraged me to take up the challenge of IB programme in the first place though I did not want to. Since my older sister is an alumni of the programme, the first advice that she gave me was that 'do not take IB'. 

But Allah knows better. 

I had always wanted to study in UK. Perhaps it was due to my obsession with Harry Potter or something, but UK had always fascinated me. Not to mention they have the coolest English accent ever. But knowing that I have to take up medic to study in UK discouraged me in the first place. And I finally settled with having New Zealand as my country of choice though I was not as excited and eager. 

But Allah knows better. 

I went to KMS for one sole purpose only, because of my parents. Because they wanted me to. I remembered how I was angry and mad at them. I wasn't happy at all with this choice, since teaching isn't exactly what I like to do. I remembered thinking that my life is ruined the day I registered. 

But Allah knows better.

And now, I can happily say that I'm an IB survivor and that I am glad that I'm one of them. I'm completely satisfied and happy with my result though it may be not as good. But I did it! I freaking did it! I'm not entirely sure of my feelings right now, as it was a bit happy and sad mixed in a big bowl of confusing stuff. But if there's one thing I'm sure of, it is that I'm ready for this next step. 

Bring it on, York University :)

this journey

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

Ever since I was a kid I'd always dreamt of travelling around the world. 

On my own, pulling my suitcase as I walked through an alley that smells like memories. There will be a camera hung around my neck as I frantically looked at the map in my hand, trying to figure out the way to my destination. 

I'll meet the natives of that place and they'll gladly show me the way to the nearest B&B where I'll be greeted by the owner with such warmth and kindness that melts away all the feeling of tiredness. 

During the late afternoon, I'll go to the harbour with my camera in hand and look at the sunset. The sound of the waves crashing into the wall of the harbour will make me forget all my worries in the world. The soft and cool evening breeze will caress my face gently, taking away all my troubles with it.

During the night, I'll go out to have a drink in the town where I'll meet more friendly people and we'll talk and laugh all day. Then I'll be invited to go to their houses to have a chat with their families. I'll tell them about Malaysia and my hometown, Kuching while they'll suggest great venues for me to visit in their town. 

It will be late at night when I finally got back to my B&B. As I walk down the quiet street, the stars were shining brightly, filling the night sky with their pretty light. And it was such an amazing view because the stars were a bit different from the ones at home. 

As I lay down in my bed at the B&B, I stared at the outside night sky through the window, while feeling excited for tomorrow that I could not sleep. And I finally did while listening to the croaking of the frogs and crickets as they greeted the night. 

I'd journeyed to a few places in my 19 years of living. But now I realized that the best journey of all is the journey back to my home. 

for you, whom i love

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

You might feel the pain right now. You might want to give up. But know that it is alright to feel the pain, and it is going to be alright in the future. 

Because everyone deserves happiness. And everyone will attain it as long as they have faith in God. And I know that you're one of them.

You're strong. Your strength had caused inspiration to many others. You believe that you shall chase after your own dreams, and you always do, and I admire you for that. You always tried to chase after what you want, and it is okay to do so. Because I can never do that. 

Perhaps sometimes, I will. But right now I still haven't reached the point of being able to wear my heart on the sleeve and tell the world what I felt and feel with sincerity. I mashed it all inside me, and they're unable to escape. Perhaps and hopefully one day it will, but not right now. 

So patiently persevere: for verily the promise of Allah is true: nor let those shake thy firmness, who have (themselves) no certainty of faith. 
[Qur'an 30:60]

Never regret the decision that you made. For I know that you believe that God knows better, and He had carved your path with such beauty that is impregnable by our minds and knowledge. God's plan is always bigger so the best that we can do is to have faith in His plans. 

Follow thou the inspiration sent unto thee, and be patient and constant, till Allah do decide: for He is the best to decide.
[Quran 10:109]

Your act of courage shouldn't be treated with shame, but with pride. You had done what most of the people couldn't do, including myself. Although the result might not come as what you wished, remember that the pain that it caused you had just made you into a better person. 

Besides, true happiness can only be felt by people who had experienced the deepest pain.

“And We created everything in pairs that perhaps you might take heed.” 

[Sûrah al-Dhâriyât: 49] 

Believe that Allah has a  better plan.

Believe that Allah has a grander plan for everyone.

Believe that Allah has the perfect plan for you.

“Those who believe, and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah: for without doubt in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” 
[Surah Ra’d 13:28]

This is for you, whom I love. With my prayer that Allah wills that you will keep your strength, for I believe that you never lose it in the first place. 

stopping by woods on a snowy evening

umar ibn al-khattab

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

I'm feeling pretty 'historic' today. Aiman, my little brother is giving us constant updates on the contents of the books that he's reading. You know, the Islamic warriors series by Abdul Latip Talib (PTS). Great author.

Anyway, when I told him that I will buy him anything that he wanted to when we were in KL last week, he immediately chose three of those books to add to his collection. I was surprised at first, for I thought that he would surely want a new football of something, but I'm pleased. It's nice that he finally has a quiet hobby for a change.

Anyway, the point is I want to talk about my favourite caliph and Rasulullah's best friend (imagine that! being the great rasul's best friend!), Saidina Umar Ibn Al-Khattab. He's one of the companions that's been guaranteed the ticket to Heaven (imagine that too!) and he's one of the bravest men known. Even the shaytan is afraid of him.

Ibn `Abbas, may Allah be pleased with both of them (i.e. Ibn `Abbas and his father `Abbas), said: The Prophet, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, 'There is no angel in the heaven that does not respect `Umar, and no shaytan on the earth but that he is afraid of `Umar.'

Respect.

"Conversion of Hazrat ‘Umar strengthened Islam. Hitherto, Muslims had lived in constant fear of disbelievers, and most of them were concealing their faith. The Muslims were now able to offer their Salat (ritual prayers) publicly. When Hazrat ‘Umar became a Muslim he declared his faith openly before the Quraish chiefs. No one dared harm him. 

Then he requested the Prophet (SAW) to offer Salat in the Ka'bah. On getting the consent of the Prophet (SAW) , Hazrat ‘Umar led a party of the Muslims to it. Hazrat Hamzah , who had accepted Islam a few days before Hazrat ‘Umar carried another party of the Muslims to the Ka'bah. When all the Muslims gathered in the Ka'bah they offered their Salat in congregation. The Prophet (SAW) led this first public Salat in the history of Islam. For this courageous and bold action of Hazrat ‘Umar the Prophet (SAW) gave him the title of "al-Faruq" i.e., the one who makes a distinction between Haqq (Right) and Batil (Wrong).

When the Muslims were ordered to migrate to Medina, most of them left Mecca quietly and secretly, but Hazrat ‘Umar declared it openly. He put on his arms and first went to the Ka'bah. After performing the Salat he announced loudly: “I am migrating to Medina. If anyone wants to check me, let him come out. I am sure that his mother would cry for his life.” There was no man in Mecca to accept the challenge of Hazrat ‘Umar ."

If that doesn't give you the chills, I wouldn't know what would.

Someone said to Abu Bakr during his (last) illness, 'What will you say to your Lord, when you have appointed `Umar?' He said, 'I will say to Him, "I have appointed over them the best of them."

Not to mention that this great caliph has some serious amazing quotes.

"Umar Ibn Al-Khattab said: "Do not be fooled by one who recites the Quran. His recitation is but speech - but look to those who act according to it."

—  [Al-Khatib, Iqtida Al-'Ilm Al-'Amal, no 109]

"‘Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab said: “Do not put off today’s work until tomorrow, lest work accumulate and you achieve nothing."

—  [Munaaqib Ameer Al-Mu’mineen, by Ibn Al-Jawzee, p.129]

"We used to say that this Ummah will be doomed by knowledgeable hypocrites."

— ‘Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab (radiAllaahu ‘anhu) [Al-Wilaayah ‘Alaa Al-Buldaan, 1/142]

"‘Umar Ibn Al-Khattaab would write to his governors during his caliphate and say: “The most important of your affairs in my view is prayer; whoever prays regularly has protected his faith, but whoever neglects it, is bound to be more negligent in other issues of faith."

— [At-Taareeqah Al-Hakamiyah, p. 240]

"By Allah, besides Whom there is no other god, if I had all the gold and silver in the world, I would pay it to avoid the terror of what comes after death."

— 'Umar ibn Al Khattab (radiAllaahu 'anhu) [Saheeh At-Tawtheeq Fee Seerat Wa Hayaat Al-Faarooq, p. 383]

"The happiest of people is the one under whose care people are happy because of him, and the most miserable of people is the one under whose care people are miserable because of him."

— Umar ibn Al Khattab (radiAllaahu ‘anhu) [Manaaqib ‘Umar, by Ibn Al-Jawzee, p.130]

"Jibrael (alayhi sallam) came to me and said, ‘Convey greeting to Umar and say to him his satisfaction is wisdom and his anger might.’"

— Messenger of Allaah (sallallahu alayhi wa sallam) [Al-Tabrani in Kabir, (Vol. 10, Page 207, Hadith 12302)]

"Do not mix with with an arrogant person lest he influences you with his contumelies. Never trust such a person with your secret, and ask advice only from the God-fearing people."

— Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radiAllaahu anhu) [Hilyat-ul Awliya] 

"When one’s intention is sincere, Allaah (jalla wa alla) will suffice his needs, protect him, and guide him in his dealings with the people. However, if one adorns himself to please the people in this world, only Allaah knows what ends awaits him in the hereafter."

— Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radiAllaahu anhu) [Hilyat-ul Awliya]

"Go easy on yourself because the destinies of all matters are in Allaah’s Hand. Those that he has thwarted can never come to you just as those that he has commanded can never be thwarted."

— Umar ibn Al-Khattab [Baihaqi in his Asmaa wa Sifaat (pg. 243)

"Patience is the healthiest ingredient of our life"

— Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radiAllaahu anhu) [Hilyat-ul Awliya]

"If I desire comfort in this world, I would harm my lasting comfort in the hereafter, and if I desired the hereafter, I must renounce comfort in this world, and hence, I decided to give up the ephemeral. Therefore, if you find the same, then it is surely better for you to endure a little discomfort in this life."

— Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radiAllaahu anhu) [Hilyat-ul Awliya]

"Mix with those who have patient, for their hearts are the softest."

— Umar ibn Al-Khattab (radiAllaahu anhu) [Abu Na’im, Hilyat-ul-Awliya]

Who will be the next Umar?

4th november

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.

pretty cupcakes are good :)

It was Mum's birthday yesterday, so my sister and I planned a surprise birthday cupcakes delivery for her. The cupcakes were to be delivered in the late evening so I planned to only call her then. So I deliberately did not wish her in the morning as I used to, and she got a little bit annoyed. She then gave me a call in the afternoon.

Mum : Are you out of credit?

Me : Umm no.

Mum : So I was wondering why didn't you wish me early in the morning like you used to?

Me : *stammers* ....because I wanted to wish you during the night?

Mum : Why? 

Me : ....because...night's a great time to wish someone! (Such an idiotic excuse)

Mum : I don't get it...

Me : Alright, happy birthday mum!

So my own mother kinda spoiled the surprise I prepared for her, but thankfully I managed to wriggle my way out of that one by rambling about my final exam. Of course, that launched an entirely different kind of conversation.

Mum : Now don't you forget to start your revision early. Focus during class and stop playing around. Limit the amount of time with internet. And for God's sake try not to fall asleep during the lectures!

That was of course, a bit exaggerated. My mum will never say 'for God's sake'. But it added a bit of flair to the dialogue and everyone knows I love to exaggerate stuff.

Anyway, turns out that the surprise worked! Mum was suprised at the delivery so she's happy, I'm happy, everyone's happy, alhamdulillah :)

She called after the cupcakes were delivered to express her happiness, and told me how she thought that I actually forgot her birthday, and complained to Dad, who knew about my plan.

Mum : I wonder why didn't Ana wish me like she used to.

Dad : Now don't you think badly of her.

Mum : It's not that. Maybe she doesn't have any credit that she didn't call. If she didn't then she should have told us, so that I can go and buy some. I mean, why didn't she say anything.

Dad : Don't worry about it. You might get more than a birthday wish later.

Mum : Yeah but I want our children to remember their parents' birthdays...

Heh I just love how my mum was annoyed with me. But I wish that I could see the expression on my mother's face when she received the cupcakes.

this is love

For the last time, happy birthday mum! <3