Bismillahirrahmanirrahim.
I'm in Alexandria right now, spending two weeks of my free time before my graduation with my sister for Eid. It was quite booooring because I don't go out that much and I was even wondering what's the whole point of me coming here if I'm just going to be cooped up in the room all day long. I'd been here for almost a week and right now I'm feeling down to the bumps. My friends at York seems to have spend a much better time than I did that I might as well had just stayed in York.
Today is Raya day 1, and I went to the students annual raya gathering. A lot of the people there are friendly and nice, greeting me with smiles and such. And then we went home and that's it. I can't believe that I'm saying this but I even got tired of sleeping. I really hate sleeping right now gosh I feel mad just thinking about it. I hate the fact that I did not go back home for Raya too. I hate going back to my village but I guess that it's better that way compared to being cooped up in this house.
I might be feeling a bit sensitive right now that I get mad for absolutely nothing. Ugh and I really hate this feeling because I don't want to ruin my holiday. But if I have to sleep again in the afternoon tomorrow I might will lose it and run away from this house or something. I'm even tired of watching dramas or any shows right now because I am just feeling restless. The result of my exam had came out and I just get this nervous breakdown every time I think about my possible future. I really do not want to say this because I might jinx myself, but I could see me being unemployed. Getting rejected because of my stupid grade. I have no energy left to think of doing anything else, I wish I can restart things. I wish I can time travel back five years before when I am still undecided on my course and take something that I actually have genuine interest in rather than Chemistry. It's not that I hate Chemistry, it is a pretty fun course but it's not something that I have a genuine and honest interest with.
To all people out there, when deciding on your course, think loooong and hard. Don't pick on something based on someone else because in the end you are the one who is going to suffer emotionally at least because of it.
I am scared of the future right now. I am scared if I can get any job with this stupid result of mine. I am scared of disappointing people around me. I am scared of disappointing myself.
I really need to get out of this house soon. And meditate next to the ocean. Yes that'll help me to think straight again.
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